Que Sera Sera

I feel as though I've screwed up my life so much that I'll never get what I want.

And by that, I mean - I'm so set along my path that I am unable to change my direction.

And by THAT, I mean - I've made so many decisions already that I've set myself along a course that I couldn't possibly change. I can't go back and remake my decisions, so here I am, stuck with what I've set myself up for, longing for something ....different? More? I'm not sure. But I am sure that it is irreversible.

It is what it is. Not nearly so nice a sentiment as que sera sera, but true nonetheless. And maybe a better way of putting it would be to say that it is what I have made it.

But that doesn't mean it's what I want.

UGH.

You wanna know something really depressing?





Are you sure?






It's pretty fuckin' lame.





Alright....





But don't say I didn't warn you!





And remember - I already called it out as being lame and depressing, so you can't say it again.








Here goes....


If I ever get engaged, I won't post it on facebook. Not because I like my privacy, or don't want the attention, but because I'll be so goddamn fucking embarrassed that it didn't happen earlier.







Go to bed, bitches.






.

Wishing and Hoping and Thinking and Praying

Today, as I was waiting for someone to text me back (well actually, I was waiting for him to HeyTell me back, but whatever, you know what I'm saying), I realized that I spend a lot of my life in a state of waiting. Waiting for you to text me, waiting for it to be time to go out, waiting for the weekend, waiting for finals to be over, waiting to be Colorado (shootout to my homegirl!). This makes me feel two things:

One. I need to stop waiting and start living. I should fill my "wait-full" moments with interesting, productive, thoughtful activities. Or, to steal a line from my ASA sisters - I should strive "to fill my days with satisfying activities." Life is short and there is so much we have that we take for granted. I am so blessed and thankful to be living the life I live, in the place I am, with all the amazing people and opportunities in my life. I just need to take better advantage of all of that sometimes.

For those of you who don't know, I'm sort of obsessed with this rapper, Machine Gun Kelly (lace up!). He posted this amazing video today of one of his friends who is in a wheel chair and has been inspired by MGK's story and perseverance to fight his own fight, and he actually walked again, on stage, at an MGK concert. Watch it. It's incredibly touching and just reminds me how we so often take the little things for granted, while still managing to get hung up on the small stuff (don't sweat it, who cares if he doesn't HeyTell you back, bitch? Your life still goes on!).



Okay, back to this waiting game I was talking about…

Two. Is waiting for something awesome really such a bad thing? I mean, it will be GREAT when finals are over, and it will be freaking AMAZING to get back out to CO and see Whitney and Zia and Joey, and so what if I like going out on the weekends better than I like sitting in the library and studying?! I mean, look, I plan things that I am excited for and I want to be excited about those things. And if you have a problem with that, then - come at me, bro.

Super contradictory and random update. After finals, I will try to update more frequently. Not that there's anything exciting going on in my life. You know, I'm just out here in the middle of Nebraska, kickin' it in L-town, doin' my thang. S'alright to be jelly.


Oh, and P.S., since the last time we talked, I got a NEPHEW!!!!



Lace up, biotch.

Love you sunshines,
Sammy Shark

Gravity

It's been a while since I've written. Sorry about that. I wish I could tell you everything that's going on, and that's happened over the past month, but this isn't really that kind of blog, is it? No.

Tonight, I find myself sitting on the floor of my bedroom, watching the rain pour down outside my window, and wanting desperately to talk to a select few people whom I can't seem to muster up the energy to actually call. I feel as if we are on the edge of a great divide and many of my dear friends are standing at the edge of the opposite precipice. Their backs aren't turned, but perhaps their heads are. They are busy and distracted and have other, much more important things going on at the moment.

I'm not being melodramatic here. Legit - they've got more important shit going on these days. But I find it so hard to connect or relate meaningfully anymore. We are worlds apart, living in the same city. They hear the thunder and see the rain the same as I do, but my instinct is that to them, the rain is something of nuisance, not unlike myself, whereas, to me, the rain is quite welcome.

.... Perhaps I am just being melodramatic. But I daresay that's my fucking prerogative so, there you have it.

John Mayer asks, "Who says I can't be free from all of the things that I used to be? Rewrite my history?"

If we rewrite our history, then we lose all the lessons we've learned and the experiences we've had, don't we? And as much as that may be tempting, or desirable, I can't help but wonder - who would we become without our histories? If you rewrote yours, how would it sound? Is that really where you'd want to be?

It's kinda like Alanis Morissette said: "Life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face."

Fickle Pickle

Sometimes I forget how very fickle I am. It's an unfortunate trait of mine, but it is what it is and there's not much I can do to change it. The heart wants what it wants. And then next minute, mine happens to want something else. :)

I am strangely okay with that these days.


"What is the student but a lover courting a fickle mistress who ever eludes his grasp?"
-- William Osler

"True, I talk of dreams, which are the children of an idle brain,
Begot of nothing but vain fantasy, which is as thin of substance as the air
and more inconstant than the wind."
-- William Shakespeare

"Love is a capricious creature which desires everything and can be contented with almost nothing."
-- Madeline de Scudery

"O woman!- In our hours of ease, uncertain, coy and hard to please, and variable as the shade, by the light quivering aspen made; when pain and anguish wring the brow, a ministering angel thou."
-- Sir Walter Scott


Okay, okay. I'm done!

Happy mind-changing, sunshines!

Well, the single ones...

To all the men of the world:

If you're going to ask me on a date, have a plan. Do not ask me what I want to do or where I want to go. If I wanted to plan a date, I'd be asking you. Make a proposition, ask me if it's okay, and I'll tell you if there are any major hiccups, but otherwise, grow a pair and be decisive.

Kthxbai,
Samantha

Fin!

I'm done with finals, and my first year of law school. BIG sigh of relief.

I'm starting summer classes on May 16 --- ugh.

Sometimes, I need to get a frickin' clue. Mixed messages aside, I need to get better at reading between the lines. I've never been a particularly intuitive person, so this can be hard, but it's something I've got to work on.

In a couple of months, I'll be headed to Colorado for a nice long visit with some great people. I think it will be well deserved. It's the light at the end of my summer-tunnel.

Now, it's off to graduation parties and end-of-year celebrations.

It is good to be done.

Fuck off.

Lately there have been a lot of moments where I've been sitting with other people, and I feel completely invisible.

It's a really shitty feeling.

Days Go By...

Hello, sunshines.

It's almost finals week(s). Things aren't looking too sun-shiny from where I'm sitting but I'm sure my perspective will be quite different on the other side of May 4.

Here's some ramblings for you all though...

Lately, I've thought a lot about how old I am and how much time has passed and how I've done a lot of things that I'm proud to have done, or that I thought I should have done, but there are still a lot of things I'd like to do. I'm figuring out, more and more each day, just what those things are. I'm excited to get started on some of these things, and a bit peeved that I haven't done them sooner.

But what I seem to find myself dwelling on is the things that I'm sure I've already missed out on. Some of these things are probably things that you would tell me I could still do, or can still do. But I would have to say no. The time has passed. There is a time and a place for everything, and while some things, blessedly, transcend time, others do not. It is a simple, unchangeable, sometimes harsh fact of life. But it is a certainty.

Can I take some solace in that? No. No, I really can't.

I'm beginning to accept, as a part of life, this fact that there are certain things I've missed out on, and certain things I will never have, or never do, or never experience. I suppose you might say that I am coming to terms with my own decisions and attempting to live life without regret. And it's not so much regret, as it is a longing for an experience that is simply an impossibility.

This is a rather depressing blogpost. Apologies for that.

I guess the point that this blog is supposed to be getting at is that I am going to make every effort I can to do the things I want to do, to experience the things I want to experience, and to see the things I want to see, while I still can, and, more specifically, when I have the opportunity to do so.

Peru

I think I'm supposed to go to Peru. It keeps popping up in my life. On of my FB friends went to Peru recently, and posted a bunch of amazing pictures. I was telling another friend about how I was looking through these pictures and getting jealous - at which point my friend told me about his amazing trip to Peru. The next day, I was looking through the paper and saw an article about how some Peruvians would be visiting Peru, Nebraska for some book thing.

It's when it happens in threes like this that I start to feel like maybe it means something.

Go to Peru, Samantha.

Sometimes, I really don't like people.

So many times, throughout our lives, we are exposed to so many people, both personally as well as through various media, who show us the very despicable nature of man.

It's quite disheartening. It makes me lose faith in humanity.

But then I remember my sister, and my brother-in-law; my closest friends spread throughout the country, and those here in Lincoln; the truly decent people in the world, who want to do good things, who do, in fact, do good things. Who love and live compassionately. And that gives me a little hope.

Big Decisions...

Hi sunshines. Quick happy note: My dad had a chest x-ray on Monday, and he got the results back today - all clear!! Hurray!

We're starting to talk about registration for classes for next fall. This is going to be the first time we actually choose which classes we take. During the first year, we take the classes they tell us to take, with the professors they tell us to take them from, at the time they tell us to take them at. (Urgh - ending sentences in prepositions…)

Next fall is the first opportunity we have to choose our classes, and there are SO many to choose from. We've only got two years left and there are so many great classes to take, but definitely not enough time to take them all. We have to choose to take the right classes at the right times to ensure that we have the proper pre-reqs. Not something I am inexperienced in, but much more difficult when you don't know for sure which classes will be offered during your third year, or which type(s) of law you want to specialize in.

Would it really be so bad to choose a specialty based on the professors I like?

For so long, I've taken courses and talked about doing the type of law that makes a lot of money, because I thought I would enjoy being a high-powered, scary lawyer. I'm not sure anymore that I want to do that. I'm trying to take steps to do things I want to do, instead things I think I should do, or I think other people think I should do.

This feels like a very important decision. And I feel that there is not enough time to make it, because registration packets aren't even available yet and I've got some other things on my plate at this point … namely, finals.

This too shall pass.

Whether I want it to, or not.

New Experiences and the Same Old Excuses

Hey there, Sunshines.

Question - do you like to do new things? Do actually enjoy doing new things? I do sometimes, but for the most part, not so much.

I get so anxious and nervous doing new things. Especially (mostly) if I have to do something new alone. I also get surprisingly anxious when I have to do something new with other people who have done it (whatever it may be) before. Interestingly enough, I thrive in situations where everyone is a newb.

Sometimes, if I really trust a person, I can do a new thing with them even though they are already very experienced. I've only really had this kind of trust with one person. Not important…

I digress…

I've done a lot of new things these past couple of weeks. And I've actually really enjoyed them. And strangely enough, even though everyone always tells you this, it actually HAS gotten easier to do the new things the more I do.

That's a good thing, I think.

But then I think about the new things I've been doing, and why I've been doing them, and I have to wonder --- Do i do new things because I WANT to do these new things or do I do new things because I'm merely hoping to somehow benefit from the experience of doing something new? Is it fair to drag other people through the anxiety and agony of my new experiences just so I can garner some sense of security in future new experiences?

Am I using that as an excuse to cop out of doing new things?

I feel like this happens a lot. I have a problem. I see a rational answer or reason for the problem. And then I'm left to wonder if that so-called "rational answer" is really the answer, or merely an excuse.

March 29, 2011...

When it rains, it pours.
I'm not particularly fond of precipitation of any sort.

But I do enjoy singing in the rain.

Spring Break

This week, I'm on Spring Break. It's pretty fantastic. I can sleep in as late as I want (although I don't really) and I can catch up on TV shows (all 3 that I watch) and do really fun things that I don't seem to have time for during the school year.

Yesterday, I went to Omaha to say goodbye to my friend Whitney. She was headed back to Colorado, so we spent a few hours together before her flight home. We walked around in the Old Market, window shopped, stopped for coffee, and had some awesome chicken salad.

I also got to stop at Whole Foods on my way home - such a luxury for us Lincoln-ites! I picked up some ingredients to make Whitney's organic truffles, which I made when I got home. The fam seems to like them, so I guess that was a success.

Today, I took my little brother Michael to Omaha to go rock climbing! I used to climb every now and then back in Chicago, but haven't had much opportunity to since I moved back. The CREC on city campus actually has a fairly decent wall, but you have to take a class to be able to climb on it, and of course they aren't offering the class over spring break. So Michael and I hit up "The Rock" at SkateDaze… Erm, you can kind of tell what it's going to be like from the name, but it was still fun. The auto-belays are convenient and I haven't been climbing in so long, it's not like I'm very good these days anyway.

Well, enough chit chat… see for yourself:

Mr. Brightside

Hello, sunshines.

It's almost spring break time. And it's almost St. Patrick's Day. The weather is getting quite nice. I'm nearly done with legal writing.

I'm trying really hard to look on the bright side, here, sunshines.

I'm Mr. Brightside.

Blah. Maybe it's just a case of the doldrums? Do you ever just feel like you're getting kicked when you're down? Repeatedly. It's not that there's anything particularly wrong but there's also just not anything particularly …great.

I'm not going to make an enumerated list for you all of the things that are less than good. That seems a tad narcissistic. Or attention seeking? I'm not even certain I'm going to post this blog.

It's a bit disjointed. Ugh. I have to go get some laundry, kiddos. Hold that thought.

Aaaaand she's back.

So here's the dealio -- I'm in law school. There's not a whole lot new or exciting going on. I think I'm just getting bored. I need a new hobby. I welcome suggestions! Preferably nothing expensive - k, thanks.

Also, Arsenal lost on Saturday. :( Out of the Carling Cup. Out of the Champions League. Out of the FA Cup. UGH!

And that's the long and the short of it.

Who wants an update? I do! I do!

I am terribly missing my dear friends right now. Lizzy and Lyds and Whitey. Why does everyone have to be so far away? Why couldn't I go to Chicago last weekend for St. Baldricks? It's been soooo long! Too long. I need to work on a plan to visit! But Whitey will be here soon (she's visiting over her spring break) and Lizzy will be here in June (w00t), so I just need to work on visiting Lyds.

Very, very soon, I get to see Sarah! I'm in her wedding and I get to go to Ohio (O-HI-O! …Drew Carey… right?) for the shower, and then a little later for the wedding! So excited! Have not seen her ages either. And I'm so happy for her and Brandon! They are going to be great together. I mean, they already are, but even better after marriage!

I feel better now. Thanks for listening, sunshines!

And for the happy couple…



P.S. Seriously, I have more interesting blogs planned for the near future. Going to work on them over Spring Break and stuff. Promise.

GTFO

Today I was reminded of why I need to get the hell out of Dodge. I am continually disappointed with the bigotry I see each day. I fail to see the logic; I cannot understand or comprehend the reasoning. And I'm fairly convinced that if you are unable to qualitatively or quantitatively define or defend your position, then it is a position grown in ignorance and steeped in unfounded hatred.

On that note, let's take a moment to listen to something a bit different:

Today was too beautiful not to run outside…

Today was just absolutely gorgeous. The snow on the sidewalks has melted enough that they are mostly dry; it was sunny, not too windy, and not at all cold.

It's a rare day when I can run while listening to John Mayer, Jack Johnson and the Postal Service, but it was really just that nice outside. Glorious.

So, as some of you know, I've run a few half-marathons in my time. And, as some of you know, I've been struggling with something of an injury lately (plantar fasciitis in my right foot). I thought running outside would be bad for it - the articles all say that running on the treadmill has less impact, so it's better when you're recovering - but I decided today was just too awesome to waste worrying about a sore foot.

The first 12 minutes were pretty great. Then there was just too much of the same for my foot to handle. Starting out uphill, everything was fine. But too much uphill, and it hurts. Same thing going back - too much downhill, hurts. The uneven (snow covered) ground, hurts a LOT. Wasn't expecting that one.

At this point, I have more endurance and energy than I can actually use whilst running, which is unfortunate (and so unusual for me). Running did hurt at times, but all in all, it wasn't so bad. And even though I feel like a frightened dog waiting for the next jolt of pain, it was totally worth it to get outside and actually run in the fresh air.

Bikes and Birthdays!

Tonight is (as some of your may have read on my Twitter or Facebook) most decidedly not a library night. I'm thinking about going to the Coffee House to do some homework, or possibly taking a long hot bath while drinking some red, red wine.

…As you can tell, I've decided to do a little bloggy blog instead of either of those marvelous ideas. Today's blog promises to be an actual update. Here we go!


Last week, I had my 25th Birthday! Holy smokes, folks.

Who has two thumbs and is a quarter-of-a-century old?! This girl!

Originally I was going to go to Chicago to see all my Windy City friends for my birthday, especially because Lizzy was in town that weekend, but I just couldn't make it

Two of my good friends from school - Justin and Samantha (yes, there are two of us) - also had birthdays last week, so we had a big combo-party for all of us and our friends. Did the whole dinner and drinks thing, and somehow stayed up until 4am? Yes. It was tons of fun. Look it! Picture!


Not sure how this happened, but there are actually no pictures (on my camera) of the three birthday kids. So instead you get to see me and some of my girlfriends with our fun girly drinks. Pictures from later in the night are not so good - can't imagine why - so this picture was the first one of the night!

Moving on...

The weather here has been really nice. And there's a lot of turmoil in the middle east. Can anyone guess where I might be going with this? I think it's about time to buy a new bike.

For those of you who don't know, I used to have a fairly okay bike when I lived in Chicago. It was a GIANT bike! And it was pretty, and blue, and my roommate Jeffy helped me pick it out, and actually was kind enough to go pick it up for me! One day, Jef and I rode our bikes to the Whole Foods at Roosevelt. We locked up our bikes (actually, Jef locked up our bikes) on the bike rack in the parking garage, which has video cameras pointed at it. An hour later, we came out with all our whole-food goodness, and - lo, and behold - my bike was gone. I almost cried, but I don't really do that, so instead we called the coppers, who couldn't do anything about it. This is Chicago we're talking about, kids.

After that, I didn't want to buy a new bike. I was pretty tore up about the old one getting stolen and everything. But you know, I think I'm ready now. And since gas prices are likely to rise, and the weather really is quite nice these days, and I live rather close to school anyway, and it's good for the environment, and hearts and stars and unicorns… I think it's about time to start thinking about getting a new bike.

Maybe one like this?


SO! Look for updates on that.

Right.

Thanks for reading, sunshines! <3

What's New and What's Good

Here's a fun new concept. A post with two sections talking about What's New and What's Good. Basically I get to talk about whatever I want. Sweet.

What's New: The News

Okay - maybe it's just me, but the news is so... different these days. I'm not talking about the content (which I'm sure we could discuss in length, filling many, many blogposts) but I'm talking about what people wear, and the way they act. What happened to wearing suits on the news?

Who told you it was okay to wear shiny knee high boots on national news?! Who said that you could set your cell phone next to you on your stupid couch and everyone could watch it light up while you get phone calls and text messages - while you're doing your job?! WHO did your makeup?! It's not flattering. Who picked that atrocious tie? The pattern makes our eyes hurt. What's with the gaudy jewelry? Don't you people get paid a lot?!

This is primarily aimed toward women anchors on the news, but it applies to men sometimes as well. Call me conservative, but I have a hard time taking you seriously when you're reporting national news in the same outfit that an office manager wears to work, or a 20-year-old wears to the bar, or the class clown wears to his first ever job interview.

This is especially aimed at whoever is dressing our news anchors. Let's be honest: they're not dressing themselves.

Please be professional. K, thanks.


What's Good: Smosh!

Smosh is my new favorite YouTube comedy sensation. They are by no means "new," but they definitely fall into our "good" category! Smosh consists of two guys - Ian and Anthony - who did lots of sketch comedy videos, a few ironic music videos, and some generally funny blogposts. They have a YouTube channel, as well as their own website with games, out takes, extras, and uncensored versions of their videos.

Here's one of my favorite Smosh videos on YouTube:



And a link to their own website: Smosh



And that concludes our first ever game of "What's New and What's Good." Thanks for reading, sunshines.

Here's something we haven't done in a while…

UPDATE!

Well, it's been 3 months and 22 days since my last update. What's new, you ask? Well… Not a whole heck of a lot! Here's what ya missed:

In November, we had Thanksgiving… mmmm turkey!

In December, there was some craziness called "finals," although, lest you be confused, let me explain that these are not, in fact, "final" anythings. The tests I took in December were midterms for my classes, which are all full year classes. They count for 20-30% of my total grade for the year. (Except Torts, the only class in which I received a real grade, which I suppose you might say counts for half my grade… ugh, too much to explain.) Finals went pretty well, but we didn't actually find that out until January, so read on!
Also in December, I was home for my brother-in-law's birthday for the first time EVAR!
And of course, we celebrated Christmas! I got some awesome Arsenal gear from my dad, and some sweet SmartWool socks in my stocking. Plus, fun family times, and more mmmm… food!

January… I started getting bored being at home and having nothing to do. I thought we'd have more assignments over the break, but no. I read three books for fun (To Kill A Mocking Bird, Eating the Cheshire Cat, and Roanoke Island) and I worked out at the Rec on City Campus for the first time. Big steps.
Then, school was supposed to start.
But we had a terrible ice storm!
And school was canceled.
For TWO days!!
What is this, Texas?
Anyway, I finally got my "grades" on the second day. We get "quartiles" so we find out if we are in the 1st (best), 2nd, 3rd, or 4th quartile in each class. I did pretty well in Torts, and my quartiles were acceptable, so … yay?
I also started a new class this semester - Criminal Law! Everyone hates it and says it's super boring, but I'm actually enjoying it. Maybe it's the change of pace. It can't be because I want to be a criminal lawyer, because I really, really don't! I swear.

And now it's February. (Already?!) I've turned in a memo, started working on a brief, and need to begin practicing for oral arguments soon. Doesn't that sound so… lawyerly?
As you all should know, my birthday is coming up on Friday… I'm going to be the BIG 2-5! Holy smokes, folks!

And... that's all. My life still more or less consists of class, homework, and sleep. Yep - you didn't miss much!

Love <3
Samantha

P.S. Check out my favorite new artist/producer Kurt Schneider, and his piano playing, song singing friend, Sam Tsui:


P.P.S. If there are other things about my life that you'd like to hear about, leave a comment, and let me know! :)