I love that no one comments on my blog. It makes me feel as though I can write with utter immunity. I'm fairly certain only two people read my blog on a regular basis, and they BOTH make a point of calling me when I write something obnoxious - something that seems like to occur tonight.
First - there are a few precious moments in life that we will always remember with absolute clarity. Remembering where you were and how you felt and the feelings you had leading up to that moment and the things you did and the thoughts you thought and the words you spoke and so many details. If you're really lucky, part of that moment is on video and you can relive it any time you damn well please. I relived one of those moments tonight - a really happy moment. It happened at my parents house. Shortly after my 25th birthday. With all the members of my immediate family present. A very good moment with so many happy tears. It reminds me of other, related moments, when I shared such happiness with my friends or other relatives. An almost bittersweet happiness.
Which brings us to "second" - It's nice to feel happy for others. But lately, when I feel that happiness, it's tainted with this horrible pang of knowledge that that happiness will never be my happiness. (Cheer up, emo kid.) But seriously, it's like - you know, that's so amazing and happy and wonderful for that person, but it kind of sucks that I will never have that. Sort of like watching someone else win the lottery but much more close to home because the things I want seem much more tame than a sliver of paper worth $57 million. Buried deep down under that jealousy (yes, I know that these feelings are feelings of jealousy...), are some remnants of hope that someday I'll get what I want But I think ultimately I won't. I think I've been given many benefits and advantages in life and I've lived a relatively easy life, and, in the end, I think that's all I'm allotted, all I deserve, and all I can hope to ask for.
Karma's a bitch, sunshines.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
That shit cray.
Do you ever just work yourself up into a really bad place? Like you talk yourself into the darkness and just can't find the light? And nothing anyone says or does is right or makes it better? And everything seems so awful and unbearable? No? Well, screw you. It happens to me all the time. Or I suppose I should say I do it to myself all the time. I just pick something to fixate on, and let it bring everything else in the world down with it. I'm not really sure I pick the one thing - I think it's usually just something that happens in life that turns into my personal proverbial straw that breaks my camel back. Perhaps I've got a weak back.
Why is it so hard to ignore what other people think of you? I can't tell you how many times I've been told to not let other people's opinions of me affect me.
Don't worry about what other people think.
Why do you care so much about what other people think?
Etc, etc, etc.
Well the fuck if I know. Do you really think I enjoy having my own emotions and concept of self-worth being so ruled over by the thoughts and actions and ill-considered offhand remarks of others? No. I really don't. It's just... a compulsion? I can't really control it. I had a therapist once who I think would identify this behavior as terribly introverted - when you make everything that happens in the world about yourself. I know, logically, that it's not, but it's hard sometimes to ignore the emotional side of myself which interprets every sideways glance and forgotten phone call as the fall of the guillotine.
But it only takes a few well placed phone calls and well timed insights from your true friends to get you set straight again.
Don't be crazy.
Cheerio, sunshines.
Why is it so hard to ignore what other people think of you? I can't tell you how many times I've been told to not let other people's opinions of me affect me.
Don't worry about what other people think.
Why do you care so much about what other people think?
Etc, etc, etc.
Well the fuck if I know. Do you really think I enjoy having my own emotions and concept of self-worth being so ruled over by the thoughts and actions and ill-considered offhand remarks of others? No. I really don't. It's just... a compulsion? I can't really control it. I had a therapist once who I think would identify this behavior as terribly introverted - when you make everything that happens in the world about yourself. I know, logically, that it's not, but it's hard sometimes to ignore the emotional side of myself which interprets every sideways glance and forgotten phone call as the fall of the guillotine.
But it only takes a few well placed phone calls and well timed insights from your true friends to get you set straight again.
Don't be crazy.
Cheerio, sunshines.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Happy New Year
What up, sunshines - say hello to 2012.
I finally got my grades from the fall semester today. School starts again on Monday, so they only gave us our grades a few days before the new semester. Good thing I passed all my classes! :) Ha ha.
One of my parents friends - who also went to law school and is now a professor (not a legal professor though, let's not get ahead of ourselves!), AND who I consider to be a little presumptuous, pompous and something of an egomaniac - told me that there was no way I'd survive my first year without getting at least one C. That kind of freaked me out, but it also pissed me off. Just because people in your class got C's, doesn't mean people in my class have to. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of.
So guess what? No C's my first year. No C's this past semester. So screw you, friend-of-my-parents. Take that.
Anyway, I'm super excited for next semester. Sort of. I mean, I like being on break. It's nice. Nothing important to do, time to hang out with cool people and do fun things. But I'm ready to go back. I need to be back on a schedule. I'm so much more productive when I have a ton of stuff to do. So I'm excited for that. I'm excited for yoga classes at the Rec to start up again and I'm pretty excited for my classes too! I'm taking Corporate Mergers & Acquisitions, Securities Regulation, Individual Income Tax and Environmental Law. I've already got like 200 pages of reading to do this weekend. Yikes. I feel like I'm behind already! But it's okay. Totally manageable!
Did I mention I only have class on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? No? Well... I only have class Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Woop!
Hmm... what else to tell you? I... can't think of anything else newsworthy, so I'm just gonna end it here.
Happy trails, sunshines!
I finally got my grades from the fall semester today. School starts again on Monday, so they only gave us our grades a few days before the new semester. Good thing I passed all my classes! :) Ha ha.
One of my parents friends - who also went to law school and is now a professor (not a legal professor though, let's not get ahead of ourselves!), AND who I consider to be a little presumptuous, pompous and something of an egomaniac - told me that there was no way I'd survive my first year without getting at least one C. That kind of freaked me out, but it also pissed me off. Just because people in your class got C's, doesn't mean people in my class have to. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of.
So guess what? No C's my first year. No C's this past semester. So screw you, friend-of-my-parents. Take that.
Anyway, I'm super excited for next semester. Sort of. I mean, I like being on break. It's nice. Nothing important to do, time to hang out with cool people and do fun things. But I'm ready to go back. I need to be back on a schedule. I'm so much more productive when I have a ton of stuff to do. So I'm excited for that. I'm excited for yoga classes at the Rec to start up again and I'm pretty excited for my classes too! I'm taking Corporate Mergers & Acquisitions, Securities Regulation, Individual Income Tax and Environmental Law. I've already got like 200 pages of reading to do this weekend. Yikes. I feel like I'm behind already! But it's okay. Totally manageable!
Did I mention I only have class on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? No? Well... I only have class Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Woop!
Hmm... what else to tell you? I... can't think of anything else newsworthy, so I'm just gonna end it here.
Happy trails, sunshines!
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