Nothing

Today is just one of those days where I don't like people. Does everyone have those days? I'm not even sure. I have realized more and more lately though that I don't hate everyone. Once I get back around people, I usually get out of my funk and remember that there are lots of people that I like around here.

Completely pointless blog post.

92 questions answered

Today I was feeling all romantic and hopeful for like 10 seconds. I was gonna write this blog in this really clever format, about how I don't know you, but I know a few things about you. And then I'd list all these sweet and endearing qualities about the future mister. And then I came back to reality and decided to answer these 92 stupid questions instead. Recently, a friend of mine told me he could find out all sorts of things about me, all my dirty secrets and all my best stories. I rolled my eyes and promptly informed him that none of my good stories are "out there," but I'll give y'all this little teaser.

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? No.
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? No, definitely not.
3. Have you taken someones virginity? inappropriate!
4. Is trust a big issue for you? yah
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? define recently. and define hang out... i suppose that's a no, then. 
6. What are you excited for? Husker football, baby!
7. What happened tonight? nothing. absolutely nothing.
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? i thinks it's disgusting when people of any gender get really wasted. i think it's more disgusting that this question is so fucking sexist.
9. Is confidence cute? no - it's sexy, bitch.
10. What is the last beverage you had? wine.
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? zero.
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? yeah...
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? hopefully go home after a long day of tailgating and football.
14. What are you going to spend money on next? it's looking like booze... for tailgating! which is totally acceptable!
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? no.
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? good lord I hope so.
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Whitney
18. The last time you felt broken? every. single. day.
19. Have you had sex today? no!
20. Are you starting to realize anything? no...?
21. Are you in a good mood? I've had two glasses of wine, so...
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? I AM a shark! but in all seriousness... I guess. The sharks they throw you down with are not even that scary. C'mon.
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? I mean, same family of color. Not brown, but kinda that grayish bluish color. But mine are green sometimes and I don't think his are.
24. What do you want right this second? A lot of things I'll never admit to wanting.
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? Awwww, really? Sigh. Okay.
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yes.
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? No.
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? These questions.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? Yes. I miss Whitney. I miss her always. 
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? Nope.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? like literally the last male I was talking to? cuz that was my daddy, and I def don't hate him. but minus my dad, it was the dude that worked at starbucks, who i also def don't hate because he gives me caffeine. and if you mean the last guy i was "talking to" like in the interested sense of the word, then ... no.
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? yeah, pretty sure he does. awkward.
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? definitely not.
34. Listening to? We Are Never Getting Back Together - Tay Tay
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? not usually, but every now and then, i suppose.
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? um. not for certain but i have a good general idea.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? meh. not so much.
38. Who did you last call? my sister.
39. Who was the last person you danced with? my girls, at hour lounge.
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? because he's cute and smart and funny and... that's all that needs to be said about that, thank you very much.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? i'm not really sure, possibly a few days after my brother's graduation party - in may or early june? 
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? nah, we're not really huggers/kissers.
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? like, every day, i'm pretty sure.
44. Do you tan in the nude? yup.
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? hell no. can't beat a first kiss in a pool, can you?
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? no. i can honestly say i have not done that in years.
47. Who was the last person to call you? my sistah!
48. Do you sing in the shower? every time.
49. Do you dance in the car? totes.
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? yah.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? yesterday, interestingly enough. for our law school "senior transcript" book, which is like a yearbook but with a much longer list of cheesy accomplishments under your suit-clad photo.
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? totally, but i love the shit out of them.
53. Is Christmas stressful? not really, no. once presents are purchased, I feel pretty good.
54. Ever eat a pierogi? yes! om nom nom.
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? can pumpkin count as a fruit? no? eh. peach i guess.
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? astronomer or marine biologist
57. Do you believe in ghosts? not really
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yep
59. Take a vitamin daily? yep.
60. Wear slippers? not usually
61. Wear a bath robe? not so much anymore
62. What do you wear to bed? Depends on the season. Shorts and a tank, or sweatpants and a tank, or, if it's really cold, leggings, sweatpants, socks, tank, long sleeve, sweatshirt and a beanie.
63. First concert? 311.
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target. duh.
65. Nike or Adidas? no preference.
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos.
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? sunflower seeds, fo sho!
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? Ours
69. Ever take dance lessons? yah. ballet for like a billion years. pointe, jazz, hip hop, modern (ugh), lyrical.
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? not particularly, no.
71. Can you curl your tongue? yes.
72. Ever won a spelling bee? no.
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yeah, it's so embarrassing. i usually only cry during movies when there is something super happy going on. i don't cry much when i'm sad.
74. What is your favorite book? only one? White Oleander.
75. Do you study better with or without music? depends. the music has to have no words basically.
76. Regularly burn incense? no.
77. Ever been in love? yeah, i guess (vom)
78. Who would you like to see in concert? MGK (duh)
79. What was the last concert you saw? MGK! (duh!)
80. Hot tea or cold tea? cold usually, but hot black tea is delish.
81. Tea or coffee? coffee
82. Favorite type of cookie? sugar cookies
83. Can you swim well? haha. yes.
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yes...? is that a skill?
85. Are you patient? not particularly.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? DJ
87. Ever won a contest? i don't think so.
88. Ever have plastic surgery? haven't. would if i needed it i suppose.
89. Which are better black or green olives? black! unless we're talking about olives soaked in vodka - then green, obvs.
90. Opinions on sex before marriage? whatevs. don't rape people and i don't care so much what ya'll do.
91. Best room for a fireplace? living room. ormy imaginary fabulous library in my super amazing future house.
92. Do you want to get married? psh. yes.

Gender Inequality

I can’t tell you how many single girls my age have talked to me in the last month about their deep and urgent fears of ending up alone for the rest of their lives. There have been a lot of them.

It’s very difficult when everyone around you is voicing those fears, to not embody those fears yourself. And then you feel like you’re walking around checking every single man’s hand for a ring and wondering desperately what’s wrong with all of you.

Interestingly (I mean, it’s really not that interesting, but sure, that seems like I nice segue), dudes don’t seem to feel the same way. They seem not to have a care in the world about finding their match and settling down. They don’t notice the tick-tick-tick of the clocks that seem to be piling up in the heads of women all around them. Unfortunately, this creates this really awkward inequality between the sexes – with men casually looking around for whatever they can get, and women desperately wanting to snag a man by whatever means possible.

Is it biological? Are we so programmed by nature to make babies that we can’t resist this crazed desire to find a partner and get to work? Is it societal? Has everyone been sending us secret messages over the years telling us that by age 30 we’d better have caught our man and started our families or else something is terribly wrong with us? I’m not sure. Probably both. And throw some other factors in there too, I’m sure. Culture, history, peer pressure, etc.

Or do women just have a stronger desire to pair off and find stability than men?

I think of the single men I know, and I can’t help but notice that they all seem much more keen on playing the field than anything else. I recently had a guy flat out ask me if we’d ever sleep together (come to think of it, there have been two that have asked me that just in the last month), even though everyone knows this guy has been flirting with one of my good friends for months. WTF?! What is wrong with you men? What gives you the audacity and the nerve to think that you can just run around flirting with girls and trying to randomly sleep with us?

More importantly, why on earth do dudes WANT to live that way? Don’t you want to find a partner to go through life with? Someone you can lean on and count on, someone who can help you through the hard times and help you make tough decisions, someone who will raptly listen to you talk about the most mundane and ordinary things in your life... Why don’t men  want that? What is wrong with dudes these days??? 

The Trouble with Lawyers

Lawyers are often super inefficient, because they chose to do a lot of research and muddle around trying to figure things out for themselves instead of simply asking someone who already knows the answer. Why do they engage in this labor intensive, stress-inducing, clusterfuck of a work methodology to find the answer themselves? Well, I'm glad you asked. I don't believe this comes from an innate desire in all lawyers to learn things on their own and do it the hard way, or any such nonsense. And just to clarify, I'm also not talking about attorney work product that can't just be taken from someone else. No, I have a fun little psychological theory on this idiocy we engage in. 

Fear. The reason we don't ask for help is because we fear asking for help, partly because it means admitting our own inadequacies (is it really an inadequacy to not have the fire code memorized?), but mostly because of our past experiences with asking for help. Maybe this is unique to lawyers, but this is where my experience is generally limited, so this is what I'm addressing. (Although, I did work for two years in a college admissions office, and I feel I can honestly say that when I asked for help or answers or information in that job, I cannot remember once ever feeling dismissed or belittled in my colleague's response.) Too many times, when a lawyer or law student asks a "superior" for help or information, they are readily dismissed. It's as though your supervising attorney, your professor, or that 3L you sort of know is saying, "It's like THIS. How do you not know that? Everyone knows that? What a dumb question. You're wasting my time." 

As I write this, I am remembering moments in class where professors have dismissed a gunner's attempted arguments in an oh-so-hasty fashion, and while we generally tend to revel in those moments (ugh, gunners, be quiet!), perhaps that's not always the best method. I find myself wondering, as a rising 3L, if I treated my classmates this way over the past year. Did I? I'm not sure. All I know for sure is this: I went to an attorney a few days back, to ask a question and get some clarity on a factual situation for a project I was working on, and he replied in such a terse and dismissive manner that I really never want to ask him another question ever again. This isn't this first time this has happened. Not with this particular attorney, nor with any number of other attorneys and law professors I've encountered. And certainly, it will not be the last. 

Perhaps some of you will think I am just being too sensitive, and that quickly getting past false assumptions or incorrect conclusions is merely a fact of business which helps us move along at a more efficient pace. Perhaps you're right. But I for one am rather disappointed. I had hoped to gain more from my law school experiences than a deeper fear of asking questions and being made to feel a fool, but so far.... no such luck. 

It's not you, it's Nebraska.

This was always meant to be a blog where I updated people on my life, but, in reality, it’s more like the blog where I go to vent, or to tell you about something really great that happened to me. Let me try my best to honor the original intention, if only for a few lines. 


UPDATE: It’s summer. I’ve finished my second year of law school. I’ve passed all my classes thus far (woo hoo!). I’m clerking (interning) at a law firm in downtown Lincoln for the summer (yay for jobs!). I’m house sitting for my professor and her hubby while they are out of town this summer (hot tub, baby!). I’m moving back in with my parents in the fall to save money (boo loans).


 I’m enjoying my job for the most part. There’s lots of research and I wish I was getting some experience doing other things, but I just got word yesterday that I might get to (have to?) argue a motion to dismiss, so that’s not too shabby, eh? I’m enjoying the summer for the most part, too. I’m having a ton of fun house sitting for my professor, although the dry weather is making all the plants very wilty.


I’m pretty excited for my third year of law school to start, although I’m really crazy nervous for it too. There are a lot of things I need to get done in the coming year (apply for jobs, study for and take the MPRE, apply for jobs, survive my fall classes, apply for jobs, register for a bar review course, figure out spring classes, apply for jobs, survive spring classes, graduate, apply for jobs, take the bar review course, apply for jobs, take the bar, apply for jobs, pass the bar, apply for jobs). But there are lots of things to look forward to as well (the back to school party, Husker football, tailgating, law prom, the end of semester party, one last long Christmas break, the spring back to school party, being done with school, the end of year party, graduation parties, the post-bar exam party). Basically my life over the next year will consist of the job application process combined with regularly scheduled parties, and occasional other activities that will barely be mentioned. Awesome. (If you can't tell if that is a genuine awesome or a sarcastic awesome, don't feel bad. I'm not entirely sure myself.)


And in other news…


I was recently told that I’ll never find a dude in Lincoln.


I’m sure you’re reading that, wondering – what insensitive creep told you that?


 Well, I hope that’s what you’re thinking anyway, because that’s what I think when I write it down.


But it really doesn’t matter who said it. The person who said it was actually trying to be reassuring. I hear this sentiment repeated pretty frequently, mostly from people not in the state, but from Nebraskans, too. It’s like they’re trying to say, “you haven’t found anyone yet because you’re living in effing Lincoln, Nebraska, yo!” Which, I suppose is nice. I’m sure it's supposed to mean something about dudes in Lincoln being lame bros or douchey losers or just generally being not good enough (or it’s a testament to how freakishly awesome I am), but here’s what I take away from the statement:


1. You need to leave.
Okay, maybe not right this second or anything, but you’re never going to get what you want here, so you better peace out, and quick. That’s awesome! The only way I can find a suitable partner is if I leave all of my friends and family? Good to know. I’m really looking forward to making that decision soon! Hurrah!


2. Something is wrong with you that you can’t tie a dude down here.
I hate when people say that someone isn’t good enough for you and that’s why you’re not with them. Or maybe they mean that’s why it’s good that you’re not with them, but what you hear is the first sentence I wrote. By the principles of the distributive property (see this for an explanation) ), this feels like a blanket assertion that covers me in relation to all men. Not just, “he’s not good enough for you,” but rather, “none of them are good enough for you, so don’t worry about it, boo.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, as we all know, deep in our heart of hearts, if we really were too good for the dude, we’d be with the dude (remember Clueless?). That’s how it works. If someone is genuinely not good enough for you, but nothing else is wrong, you’d be able to score them (check out my list of priors for reference – BURN!). The real issue here is that there is something wrong with you that people don’t like. I suppose it could be regional, but I highly doubt it.


And that’s just my two cents on someone else’s two cents that, you know, I wouldn’t have broken the bank to go without.

That's an attractive quality...

I don't know if I'll ever get past my own bitterness.

Damn girl, look at that body.

Hi hi sunshines! Sorry for not blogging in like 8 million years, but - y'know - things get busy. Whatevs.

Also, I know I said I'd blog about my puppy-kins, and I will, someday, but today is not that day...

Lately I have been doing lots of work on changing my diet to eat clean, and starting to increase/change my workouts. Today I was looking at the infinite possibilities for this online and I was just overwhelmed by the prospect of what lies ahead. Sometimes it can be really discouraging just thinking about working out and changing your life. For me, it's because I see people and I think to myself - I will never look like that.

And that's true. I will never look like that person. That person is a completely different person than I am. We have different body types, different muscle builds, different bone structures, different histories that build and shape ourselves, and different DNA.

So, NO - you and I will never look like Gisele or The Get in Shape Girl or Lisa from bodyrock.tv (unless you happen to BE one of those people, in which case - daaaamn girl!). We'll look like us. That fact is something I have to learn to accept and be okay with, or be happy about. Part of the reason I get discouraged is that things feel hopeless because honestly, right now, I still don't love ME. I think part of me still believes that maybe if I eat the right things and do the right exercises, I'll somehow become this magical, beautiful person that I suddenly love. The truth is that I have to accept myself as I am.

I don't know what that means for me. And that's scary. This another part of my fears with change. I don't know what the outcome will be and if I'll like it. That doesn't mean I don't want to change. It means that I'm practically paralyzed with fear in how I should go about changing. Should I lift more? Should I do more cardio? Should I do circuit work? Should I do bikini competitor workouts? Should I do P90X? Or the bodyrock workouts? Or yoga? What's going to get me the results I desire? What are the results I desire?

Secretly, I'm really just afraid that I'll end up super muscular if I lift too much, or lift wrong, or don't do enough cardio or eat too much protein. What to do, what to do?

You know - after I write it all down, it seems clear. Lift, but not heavy weights. Low weights, lots of reps. Do plenty of cardio. Eat lean protein. Muscle is better than fat, right?

Some thoughts...

I recently read an article about the show 19 Kids and Counting. I don't watch this show and I don't really know very much about it, except the very basic premise that the family doesn't use contraceptives and has lots and lots of kids. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with the practice, but I DO disagree with this article.

First, read the article here.

Then, my comments...

1. If women want to live the way this woman does, if they want to express their religious beliefs through the way they act in their marriages, they should have every right to do that, and anyone who claims otherwise is not a feminist, but a hypocrite.

2. Talking about miscarriages and showing the hope and happiness of pregnancy, along with the sadness and despair of loss, may seem cruel, but it's a very real part of life that many people can relate to. Sometimes, even if what you're going through is incredibly crappy, it's helpful to know other people are going through something similar.

That's all. I just wanted to share.

I promise to blog more soon about my new puppy!

Know I'm Not Breaking

I love that no one comments on my blog. It makes me feel as though I can write with utter immunity. I'm fairly certain only two people read my blog on a regular basis, and they BOTH make a point of calling me when I write something obnoxious - something that seems like to occur tonight.

First - there are a few precious moments in life that we will always remember with absolute clarity. Remembering where you were and how you felt and the feelings you had leading up to that moment and the things you did and the thoughts you thought and the words you spoke and so many details. If you're really lucky, part of that moment is on video and you can relive it any time you damn well please. I relived one of those moments tonight - a really happy moment. It happened at my parents house. Shortly after my 25th birthday. With all the members of my immediate family present. A very good moment with so many happy tears. It reminds me of other, related moments, when I shared such happiness with my friends or other relatives. An almost bittersweet happiness.

Which brings us to "second" - It's nice to feel happy for others. But lately, when I feel that happiness, it's tainted with this horrible pang of knowledge that that happiness will never be my happiness. (Cheer up, emo kid.) But seriously, it's like - you know, that's so amazing and happy and wonderful for that person, but it kind of sucks that I will never have that. Sort of like watching someone else win the lottery but much more close to home because the things I want seem much more tame than a sliver of paper worth $57 million. Buried deep down under that jealousy (yes, I know that these feelings are feelings of jealousy...), are some remnants of hope that someday I'll get what I want But I think ultimately I won't. I think I've been given many benefits and advantages in life and I've lived a relatively easy life, and, in the end, I think that's all I'm allotted, all I deserve, and all I can hope to ask for.

Karma's a bitch, sunshines.

That shit cray.

Do you ever just work yourself up into a really bad place? Like you talk yourself into the darkness and just can't find the light? And nothing anyone says or does is right or makes it better? And everything seems so awful and unbearable? No? Well, screw you. It happens to me all the time. Or I suppose I should say I do it to myself all the time. I just pick something to fixate on, and let it bring everything else in the world down with it. I'm not really sure I pick the one thing - I think it's usually just something that happens in life that turns into my personal proverbial straw that breaks my camel back. Perhaps I've got a weak back.

Why is it so hard to ignore what other people think of you? I can't tell you how many times I've been told to not let other people's opinions of me affect me.
Don't worry about what other people think.
Why do you care so much about what other people think?
Etc, etc, etc.
Well the fuck if I know. Do you really think I enjoy having my own emotions and concept of self-worth being so ruled over by the thoughts and actions and ill-considered offhand remarks of others? No. I really don't. It's just... a compulsion? I can't really control it. I had a therapist once who I think would identify this behavior as terribly introverted - when you make everything that happens in the world about yourself. I know, logically, that it's not, but it's hard sometimes to ignore the emotional side of myself which interprets every sideways glance and forgotten phone call as the fall of the guillotine.

But it only takes a few well placed phone calls and well timed insights from your true friends to get you set straight again.

Don't be crazy.

Cheerio, sunshines.

Happy New Year

What up, sunshines - say hello to 2012.

I finally got my grades from the fall semester today. School starts again on Monday, so they only gave us our grades a few days before the new semester. Good thing I passed all my classes! :) Ha ha.

One of my parents friends - who also went to law school and is now a professor (not a legal professor though, let's not get ahead of ourselves!), AND who I consider to be a little presumptuous, pompous and something of an egomaniac - told me that there was no way I'd survive my first year without getting at least one C. That kind of freaked me out, but it also pissed me off. Just because people in your class got C's, doesn't mean people in my class have to. You don't know me. You don't know what I'm capable of.

So guess what? No C's my first year. No C's this past semester. So screw you, friend-of-my-parents. Take that.

Anyway, I'm super excited for next semester. Sort of. I mean, I like being on break. It's nice. Nothing important to do, time to hang out with cool people and do fun things. But I'm ready to go back. I need to be back on a schedule. I'm so much more productive when I have a ton of stuff to do. So I'm excited for that. I'm excited for yoga classes at the Rec to start up again and I'm pretty excited for my classes too! I'm taking Corporate Mergers & Acquisitions, Securities Regulation, Individual Income Tax and Environmental Law. I've already got like 200 pages of reading to do this weekend. Yikes. I feel like I'm behind already! But it's okay. Totally manageable!

Did I mention I only have class on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? No? Well... I only have class Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Woop!

Hmm... what else to tell you? I... can't think of anything else newsworthy, so I'm just gonna end it here.

Happy trails, sunshines!